On Being Loved
I want to tell you a story. A deeply personal story. A story about love and forces in the universe greater than our imagining.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not preaching here and I am not trying to tell you what to believe. You can take or leave this very personal story, translate it into a framework that works for you or leave it behind. I don't want to evangelize any particular belief system or exclude another. Okay?? But I still want to share what I have been through, so I hope you will be patient with me if my framework is not the same as yours.
Like no story ever, this one starts with Gilmore Girls. Specifically the next to last scene in the last episode of season two, which has the most adorable kiss in television history.
For those of you who haven't seen it, the kiss is the first kiss between Rory and Jess. Rory is dating someone else, and is in total denial about both her current boyfriend being a poor match for her, and also that she has ever growing feelings for Jess. Being an intensely loyal and kind person, as well as very very smart, she's horrified at what is happening. Meanwhile, Jess is brilliant but rebellious and had gone back to live with his Mom in New York city after accidentally crashed Rory's car (with her in it), infuriating the entire town. But Rory, totally out of character, has cut school to go visit him, and Jess, because he's completely in love with Rory has asked to come back and live in Stars Hollow.
So he's telling her he's back, and then, out of nowhere, she kisses him.
(I couldn't embed it here, but if you want to see it here's a clip on YouTube with just the kiss, or here's one with both the kiss and the preceding scene where he asks his uncle to move back).
Here's the weird part. Rather than making me happy, it made me sad. So very sad that I couldn't stop crying the next day.
Why? I didn't know, but I didn't want to feel that way, so I tried to focus on what I was doing in my life right now that was good. I painted my chairs, worked on some quilts, so on and so forth. And I was feeling better. But sometimes out of the blue that feeling would pop up out of nowhere and just crush me.
So then, three things happened all in a row.
- Mr. Magpie said to me, "Maybe you need to stop trying to ignore those feelings and you need to just feel them."
- That night, we had Chinese takeaway, and my fortune cookie said (and I could not possibly make this up if I tried): "Seek out the significance of the problem you are having. Try to understand."
- At bedtime, I noticed that among my library books was the book "Proof oF Heaven" which I had completely forgotten I had ordered months ago. (It's a neurologist's account of his profound near death experience).
It was one of those moments where I kind of felt like the universe was trying to tell me something.
So, on Saturday, I painted. I painted chairs, I painted walls, I painted trim. I listened to all my favorite music and painted and pondered.
I realized that the reason that scene made me so sad was that I had never had that -- never had someone love me that much. Or at least, I didn't think I had. I've had a lot of hard won relationships in my life, or relationships around activities or work, not just because I was inherently worth it, inherently loveable.
I set myself up to be allowed to grieve that fact, when I remembered one of the main messages from "Proof of Heaven" which is "You Are Loved".
You are loved. Did I believe that? Is that true? I had to ask myself. In the face of a life of proof that I am not loveable, could I still be loved? By something beyond my ability to touch and see?
I opened my mind and heart with that question and the answer came back to me. YES. I don't know what the form or name or shape or size or color of it is, but love is real and it is out there. I do believe there is something greater than our ability to touch and see and it loves us all. Loves me.
I felt it, felt that love.
And guess what? Once I believed that, then I remembered. I was TOTALLY WRONG.
I *have* experienced a love like that -- like Rory & Jess. How could I have forgotten?? I *have* had friends who wanted to just be with me even if we were doing nothing more than sitting around and talking. How could I have forgotten that, either?
Being willing to be believe that I was loved, made me remember that I had proof from my life, incontrovertible proof that I was loved that I had been loved, that I was loveable.
I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me.
My life isn't perfect right now, and I still have so many hurts to heal in my heart. But this one, this was a fissure so great that I didn't think it was possible to fill it, yet filled it is. Like most cracks, I'm sure with day-to-day wear it will open again and have to be refilled. But now I know where I can go to fill it. Not just to the proof I can hold onto from my past that I have been loved, but from the swirling power of love that is all around us all the time. Love that shines in the sun, in the smile of my children, in a great idea, in everything.
We are all loved.
No matter what you're beliefs are, I am certain beyond a doubt that this is true.
My Easter wish for you is that you can feel that, in your head, in your heart, in your gut. I am loved. You are loved. We are all loved.